Lisa Starr (right), owner of It's Just Lunch in Austin, works with client Sabrina McNally in her San Antonio office. Edward A. Ornelas/Express-News Members of the Singles Professional Network gather recently at Chammps Americana. Candace Krest (center) shares a laugh with a group member as Ron Paque, 55, mingles. Karen L. Shaw/Express-News

Try on-ramping —— at your own risk, of course —— into San Antonio's dating scene where the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Even as new twists — online matchmaking and specialized "safe" hookups — emerge to ease the journey, old roadblocks survive.

There's no one to meet, there's no time; the good ones are all taken; bars are meat markets.

"It really is a jungle out there," says Robert Alsbury, a 40-year-old, never-married analyst who moved to San Antonio a year ago and has tried a dating service. "But it's generally what you make of it."

Fun-loving twentysomething Elizabeth Sanchez makes the most of it by dancing at Polly Esthers and similar places. "There's sooo much stuff to do downtown," she says. "I think San Antonio is an easy place to meet people."

Hot spots that include Reggiano's, Sherlock's Baker Street Pub, Graham Central Station, Club Rive, Club Antro and Rebar are earning "Sex and the City" reputations for men and women on the prowl.

Web sites such as match.com, personals.yahoo.com and www.jdate.com offer a high-tech approach to dating. But estimates that one-third of all singles have tried online dating are difficult to prove, says author Andrea Orr, who wrote the upcoming book "Meeting, Mating and Cheating."

"We're seeing a lot of tire-kicking, maybe posting a profile online," says the Reuters reporter from San Francisco.

There's no "single" secret to having a date on Saturday night, say amateurs and experts. It's a matter of getting into the game.

Calling in the professionals

Lisa Starr loves playing matchmaker for busy professionals. She's the owner of It's Just Lunch in San Antonio/Austin, a dating service. Her clients want to play the game by different rules.

"They come to us because they don't want to date people that they work with. They don't want to go to bars to meet people. We're a fun, safe alternative," says Starr from her Interstate 10 office.

She screens potential dates for a fee. A $1,500 annual membership guarantees at least 15 dates. Clients meet for a drink or lunch knowing only each other's first names and that they might have something in common. Chemistry is another matter.

"I make matches based on what each party tells me they're looking for," Starr said. "I'm sort of a cross between an executive recruiter and a friend that's trying to get you hooked up."

Starr says men and women share the same gripes, but there are differences. Men say they are sick of picking up women at bars, of women playing games, Starr said. Women are more interested in men who are stable in their jobs and personal lives.

And both are interested in a relationship. "This is a pool of individuals that is more than likely relationship-minded," said Alsbury, who has used the service.

But just because someone is successful, intelligent, attractive and generally happy doesn't mean he or she hasn't been tempted to retreat from the dating scene.

That's a no-no, Starr says.

"Get into the game, absolutely. Dating is about exposure. You've got to get yourself out there. You have to treat it like finding a job — you tell all your friends, you join a dating service, you go out as much as you can, you join clubs. Get as much exposure as you can," she says.

And don't break the rules

Dating gurus Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider have co-written best sellers that have become dating authorities for millions of women, "The Rules," "The Rules II," "The Rules for Marriage" and the latest, "The Rules for Online Dating."

The message after all those inspiring words: Get in there and play.

"Go wherever the social scene is," says Schneider. "Women just out of a relationship may feel shell-shocked. They may be scared to take chances again. They may just sit at home and order in Chinese food and watch TV. That's fine for a few days, but if you don't go out there you won't meet anyone."

Schneider insists it's not the most beautiful women who meet men. "It's the ones that are taking tennis lessons and going on singles cruises," she said. "It's just like a job interview. If you don't show up and suit up, you miss out. A lot of it is just legwork."

But she adds that women shouldn't chase men, call them, ask them out or (heaven forbid) move in with one.

The authors' wisdom is derived from observation, she acknowledges: "Our laboratory was our friends."

"We noticed that women who were too interested or aggressive lost the guys, and the ones that played hard to get naturally, or deliberately, seemed to get the guys because men like the challenge," she says.

Is it all about gamesmanship?

"We don't think of it as a game. We just think men and women are different," Schneider says.

She has no dating advice for men. "Men don't need advice," she says. "When a man is at a party, he has a type or a certain look that he likes. He'll just go up to that girl. Or if he's shy, he might ask his friend to go over to her. Men really are fine.

"I've never seen a man read a dating book. No man's going to buy it. That's not their issue. They go on a date, and they go home and turn on 'Jay Leno.' A woman goes on a date, and she'll call seven friends to analyze the date. Men don't do that. Men just turn on a ball game."

Dating can be simpler than that.

Being down to earth and honest helps. "No lines! Gosh, no lines!" says Sanchez. "A good smile and good conversation works with me."

"And respect a person's personal space. No inappropriate touching," she adds.

She says she's tired of young guys playing games. Men echo the same complaint about women.

Finding time is the killer

Many potential soul mates and casual dates are out there living parallel lives, experts say.

"The problem is, what my clients tell me, is that they're active and involved," says Starr at It's Just Lunch. She says it's her job to get those parallel lines to intersect, and says the stigma associated with dating clubs and services has disappeared.

Norma Webb "became single again" and decided to launch a members-only, singles dining club, Acquired Tastes. Regular dating takes too much time and effort.

"San Antonio is a family-oriented city, and there isn't a lot for singles to do," Webb says. "Unless you're a college student, or a very young twentysomething person that enjoys hopping around and clubbing and that kind of thing, there's not a lot out there."

It's all about the opportunity to connect and expanding one's social sphere, she says.

Webb adds that post-divorce dating "was a real adjustment."

"One of the things I missed when I became single again is that I no longer had a regular dinner date," she says. "We have wonderful restaurants in this city ... and it was so much fun to go find a new gem. I missed that a lot."

But sounding the retreat after divorce or any breakup is not the answer.

"One big mistake singles make is retreating and crawling into a hole and saying this is not worth it," Webb said. "They become almost reclusive and get into a routine and lose a lot of pleasure in life because they're not willing to get out there. I think a big mistake is just giving up."

"Dating is stressful, and it shouldn't be stressful. It should be enjoyable and relaxing. It should be a time when you get to know somebody and casually connect. I always felt tremendous stress," she says.

"There's all this tension, and you don't know what to say and what not to say. You know why you're there. You know why you're sitting across from this person. It's because you're checking them out. And they're checking you out."

Dixie Sloan is the activity director for the 100-member Singles Professional Network, a singles/dating group formed in 1987.

"We're one of the middle-aged groups," Sloan says. Members range from age 40 to 65 and get together for happy hour every Friday night. They also gather for bridge games and picnics.

Totally inactive

There may not be enough time, but that's not the only problem for people wanting to date.

Sloan says older men and women often become reclusive and avoid the dating scene.

"Absolutely, there are some people out there who are just totally socially inactive," she says.

She offers this advice to men: Don't just stand on the sidelines, ask someone to dance. And don't bother saying you'll call if that's not going to happen. "The options are going on the Internet or going out to bars and sitting around. That's not something that women like to do. It's very demoralizing. That's why I say to join a singles group," she said.

But Sloan is quick to add that San Antonio is not the problem. "Younger people complain that there's nothing to do here, and I find that amazing. San Antonio offers so many things. The city has a lot to offer. I can't imagine someone getting bored here."

Dating on the Internet

Computer dating has by and large lost its stigma, and users of the online services report mixed results in the search for love.

Match.com boasts more than 8 million profiles online. But the company has fewer than a million subscribers, says online dating author Andrea Orr. It is, though, an example of an Internet business model that does well, she says.

She says the 24-7 pace of the workplace is reflected in singles' dysfunctional love life. The time crunch hampering traditional dating is minimized with specificity. "People can be very precise, fill out checklists of what they're looking for," Orr says.

Networks are broadened, too.

Here's where it can get scary. On the Internet, dating depends on the honor system when exchanging information.

Traditional matchmakers don't like it.

"I've met them, I've seen them, I know what they look like and I know if they're lying about their age," says Starr, sounding more like a private investigator than cruise ship director about matching dates. Online it's a different animal.

"Anyone that's done online dating knows that it's a time sucker," Starr adds.

But she concedes that it can be exciting to be "totally clicking with someone online. Then you meet them, and it's oh my God!"

While Orr isn't as negative, she acknowledges the electronic age pitfalls are real. "Some people have compared online dating to automated teller machines or pay-at-the-pump gasoline. There is a thought that there is a downside. It can be very impersonal. It can be arbitrary. And it sets you up for a lot of rejection," Orr says.

One company has come up with a way to make everyone a winner at dating.

What's better than one date? Eight. That's the philosophy behind 8minuteDating.com, which hooks partners up with eight dates (that last eight minutes long each) in one night.

Franchise owners Sam Wides and his partner Jo Phillips are area event organizers for the novel Internet dating company founded by Tom Jaffee.

"It's a total blast. We have so much fun," said Phillips. Men and women are matched randomly at a public venue. When the bell rings they move to the next date waiting at a table.

"I was very surprised at the first event I went to because the people were very professional and very attractive. You never know what you're going to get."

One young woman who's tried it called it "conveyor belt dating."

Phillips says it's safe and anonymous (first names only). Participants meet to date, be just friends and to network. They register on the Internet and pay about $33 per event. Wides says he offers a guarantee — if you don't meet someone you want to date, the next event is free.

"A lot of people are skeptical," Wides, 42, acknowledges. "Some people think, 'Gosh, eight minutes. That's a long time to sit with somebody,' but it really goes fast. It re-creates the singles scene without the pick-up line."

Goin' to the chapel of love

Kenneth Parker, 54, heads up Alamo Heights United Methodist Church's Sunday school class called Single Friends. The group organizes activities and events for about 180 members. Average attendance is about 70 people each Sunday.

It's not all about Bible study, says Parker. Guest speakers often talk about relationships and issues of interest to singles.

"Many are looking for relationships," Parker said. "It's a good place to make friends. I don't say you'll meet someone to date. But if you're lonely and just want to make friends and have people to go do something with, you can put it on the calendar."

For example, Single Friends recently enjoyed an outdoor concert at the San Antonio Botanical Garden.

"The good thing about a Sunday school class is that you can see these people every Sunday. So, if you see someone you're interested in and want to get to know as a friend, it's easy to do. It's recurring," Parker said.

Parker agrees that people "have to put themselves out there." And be friendly. "Everybody is welcome," he said.

Sharon Rolirad, a member of St. Matthews Catholic Church youth-adult ministry YC3, says, "We really don't call ourselves a singles group." But it sometimes goes that way with dinners and events such as tubing.

"The majority of us are single, but we don't want to mark ourselves a singles group," Rolirad says. "But that's why I joined, really to make friends and if anything happened out of that, great. Wonderful. It's really about fellowship and making friends. We don't want to portray ourselves as a meat market."

Another social group at the church is S-Mingles, which meets the first Friday of every month. The age range is 30 to 60. A meeting at the parish hall begins with an icebreaker.

"It's a mixer, absolutely," says S-Mingles director Maria Leavy Hoelscher. "There is a need for people to have a safe place to meet. Both men and women are turned off by the meat market.

"We've had quite a number of dates and even some marriages," she says.

Not a prowler

San Antonio newcomer Alsbury says he avoids the meat market approach to dating, and adds a dining-dating service to supplement serendipitous meetings on the town.

He admits he has adjusted his expectations when it comes to the more structured dating approach offered by the service.

"Once I looked at it like a job interview, then anything positive was all gravy," Alsbury said.

"I know what I'm looking for," said Alsbury who likes Stone Werks and the Quarry area clubs and restaurants. "I was never a prowler. I just can't go up to a girl and say, 'Hey, what are doing? What's your name?'"

"Personally, I'm not looking for long-term relationships at a club," said young club-goer Sanchez. She likes Sherlock's laid-back vibe. "Recently, a guy approached me and we had a really good conversation and we ended up exchanging phone numbers, which is something I really don't do at a club."

A never-married mother of a 6-year-old boy, she says she's curious about online dating, but hasn't tried it. "I want to be selective," she said.

In the end it takes networking and an open mind (and heart) to make it in the kooky dating universe.

"I don't think the dating scene has changed much," Alsbury said. "I think there are a lot of really nice available people that have children that a lot of guys aren't interested in. That's not something that scares me off."